Three Monsters And Two Beauties
A Fairy Tale
***
At 5.59 more whiskey (Tullamore Dew) and beer (cold canned Heineken) arrived. At 6.16 Joey left Shane and the princess alone with a half-empty bottle of TD and cupla beer cans and went out to make the promised call to Victoria. Of coz he didn't forget to ask Shane for money ("for taxophone and some drinks" as he justified it) and got another 100 pounds banknote.
He left the toilet and walked right to the bar where he ordered one Sex On the Beach and a telephone. He returned to the toilet in (approximately) 30 minutes. Some members of the bar staff (they asked not to name them) insisited Joey made more than one call and had at least three talks. Mostly, their subject was money. Kinda "Yes, I've got cash, nah, I won't borrow, I’m gonna pay, yes, I know! I'll do it later. HONESTLY! I'll pay everything I owe you later. Look, I have money and I want..." Finally he found someone who could help him, coz they made an agreement to meet "at the usual place".
Joey entered the toilet again. The princess, standing in front of one of the mirrors (over one of the sinks), was painting her lips with bloody red lipstick. Shane (a bit unstable) was leaning against the wall near one of the urinals, which contained an almost empty bottle of TD and a few beer cans.
"I had a long conversation with Vicky, Shane! She will be here in an hour maybe!" The princess stopped painting and looked at Joey in surprise. Shane turned to him with interest.
"Oh, Shane, close your shop, please! For fuck’s sake, there is a lady!"
"Fuck off, Joey" echoed Shane but left the wall and tried to grope the buttons of his trousers. Before he found any of them, he lost balance and had to catch hold of the wall again.
Joey started to say his farewells. "I have an urgent meeting. Hope I've got something interesting for you. No, no! I don't mean a gig. It will be a surprise... " Then he lost patience. To the princess: "Look at him, what he looks like! Help him! Tuck his shirt into his trousers at least!!"
"Fuck you, Joey!!" Shane showed him two fingers and smoothly went down on the floor. "Fyezall!" he added and closed his eyes. Suddenly he started singing Johnson’s Motor Car. The princess, who had already done a step towards her cavalier, stopped.
"Down by Brockagh Corner one morning I did stray,
When I met another rebel bold, who this to me did say:
I've orders from the Captain to assemble at Drumbar"
After the third line he unexpectedly opened the eyes and explained: "You may not leave right now, Joey. You are a fucking hostage. And the princess too."
They were both hostages. Shane himself laid an ambush there and was waiting for Black&Tans and bloody sodomites. Maybe he recollected the story he had told the princess and remembered the kicked-out guy.
"OK, " said Joey. He proceeded to the urinal, settled himself comfortably, lighted up a cigarette and gave a wink to the princess, putting the package back to his pocket.
Shane took off his tie and started fighting with shoe laces.
In fifteen minutes, the headwaiter peeped into the toilet (It was about 7 a.m., his shift had ended and he would like to return to the lousy hole to change his clothes and fuck off home. He had a really rough night today...). He suggested Shane that he at least move to the bar if he didn't want to meet with his best friend (he nursed the hope that if he could take Shane out of the cozy toilet, he could then persuade him to return to the lousy hole. He didn't want to come back without Mr. MacGowan). But he heard an explanation: Shane had taken hostages and laid an ambush in the toilet. Now he was making a very special and a very secret trap (using tie, laces and belt). So it would be better for the waiter to fuck off. "But bring a bottle of vodka and cigarettes before you do so, please."
In five minutes someone from the staff brought vodka, cigarettes and sandwiches. It was an initiative of a cleaner: An old Irish woman had come to fulfill her duties, heard Johnson’s Motor Car, learnt about the ambush in the toilet and decided to treat the brave rebel properly. Noble woman, she rembered the heroes of 1916... It was her little contribution to the reunion of Ireland
Some sandwiches were with meat and some with fish but Shane was too busy to look at them, he ate everything he could reach without interrupting his work on the trap. Then he drank cupla gulps from the bottle of vodka, asked Joey to light up a fag for him and returned to the construction.
The princess was quietly crying: at first she didn't ask for a dessert when Shane was making his order, now she was left without sandwiches – Joey took the very last one. She had a terrible headache and wanted to go home... Joey lighted a cigarette for her. She drew on it... Joey got a new package out of his pocket.
Shane was fully devoted to the costruction of the trap. He looked like he was not satisfied with the results. From time to time, he gulped vodka and started from the very begining...
His hostages were settled aloof on the tile floor. Joey kept trying to hug the princess, she patiently kept pushing his hand away and asking Shane if she could help him. Shane laconically told her to fuck off.
Suddenly – when Joey tried to put his hand under her skirt for the twentieth time and she for the twentieth time pushed him away and offered her help to Shane – Shane shouted: "YES! Take off your pantyhose!! "
She did it quickly. Maybe too quickly for a gentle lady. Shane grabbed the pantyhose without paying a look at her. The genius was totally absorbed in his work.
Joey moved to an urinal and tried to settle the girl in his lap. The princess inertly resisted.
"I'VE FINISHED!" suddenly anounced Shane. The couple started.
Shane proudly pointed at the strange thing that looked like a clew of tie, laces, belt and pantyhose.
When Victoria entered the toilet, she saw bottles, cans, plastic plates, shoes without laces and three people sitting on the tile floor and staring fixedly at a tangle of something that looked like a pile of rags. They were waiting for the first victim of the mystery trap. Victoria appeared first. But can we call her a "victim"? Another question...
First query of the sleepy Victoria was "What does this mean?!"
They peered at her. Joey said she had to take Shane away from the fucking toilet. He had tried and failed. Shane said that it was nice to meet her here and that he would come with her with pleasure but he'd got two hostages and they would have to go with them. Joey spat a dirty curse.
In the next minute Victoria recognized a pantyhose in the tangled rags, saw their blue-eyed former owner next to Shane and learnt (from Joey) that they had spent almost the whole night here in the toilet on their own. It was a bit too much for her.
She kicked the clew first (and it rolled to the nearest cabin). Then she uttered a banshee's howl (someone later remarked it was a cross between "whore" and "bitch") and thrust her hands into red hair of the princess. Their screams blended...
This roused Shane out of his thoughts. He took the oportunity and crawled for the clew to the cabin. Reaching his magic trap, he didn't crawl back but closed himself in the cabin. Where he became much more sober than he had been five minutes ago.
Finally the princess managed to get out alive from Vicky's claws (with a little help of Joey) and Shane lost one of his hostages – she ran away without even saying "bye".
Then Joey's turn came.
"What are you doing here?!" shouted Victoria. "I won't take both of you out of here. I'll better call Maurice or Therese. I want them to come here and look at you!!"
"What for?" asked Shane from the cabin. She ignored him.
"What for?" asked Joey. He walked to the sink and looked into the mirror. "It was not my idea at all! I'd like to go. I have loads of things to be done." He turned to Victoria again. "I have a business meeting, by the way!"
"Get out of here!!! Immediately! Or I call Maurice."
Joey was more polite than the princess. He smiled and said: "Bye, Shane. See you later" and left the toilet. In a second, he looked inside again and asked for money for a taxi. Rustling of papers was heard from the cabin.
"FUCK OFF!!!" shouted Vicky.
He repeated "bye" and disappeared.
Victoria gathered the shoes.
"Now you, Shane! Get out of the cabin! Open the door!"
"What for?" asked Shane.
In cupla minutes, the couple proceeded through the bar to the door. They held each other by the hand. Shane limped a bit more than usually, maybe becoz his shoes were without laces or his trousers without a belt... At the door he waved with his free hand and slurred something like "Hello, Germany". But the staff was too tired, so they could be wrong.
The couple stepped into the bright sunny morning. It was about 8 a.m. in London.
Sun, blue sky, birds, fresh streets, other shite...
On the corner, a flower seller has set his stall. Shane bought a bouquet of irises for Victoria. A promising start... She checked her day schedule in her thoughts - neither yoga nor a meeting with a psychoanalyst. Great opportunity for a romantic day.
"Let's go somewhere, Shane. And have a breakfast. It’s too early, I have not eaten yet! Some simple but stylish place. Such as this hotel! It looks splendid."
They entered The Connaught Hotel...
THE END !!!
