THE POGUES

"Fairytale Of New York" Parodies

Fairytale Of New York

the original version by Shane MacGowan & Jem Finer

It was Christmas Eve babe
In the drunk tank
An old man said to me, won't see another one
And then he sang a song
The Rare Old Mountain Dew
I turned my face away
And dreamed about you

Got on a lucky one
Came in eighteen to one
I've got a feeling
This year's for me and you
So happy Christmas
I love you baby
I can see a better time
When all our dreams come true

They've got cars big as bars
They've got rivers of gold
But the wind goes right through you
It's no place for the old
When you first took my hand
On a cold Christmas Eve
You promised me
Broadway was waiting for me

You were handsome
You were pretty
Queen of New York City
When the band finished playing
They howled out for more
Sinatra was swinging,
All the drunks they were singing
We kissed on a corner
Then danced through the night

The boys of the NYPD choir
Were singing "Galway Bay"
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day

You're a bum
You're a punk
You're an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray God it's our last

I could have been someone
Well so could anyone
You took my dreams from me
When I first found you
I kept them with me babe
I put them with my own
Can't make it all alone
I've built my dreams around you


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Fairytale Of New House

Parody by Dumb Ass Kid feat Saz
A couple buy a house and get more than they bargained for...

[DAK]
It was April Fools Day
Leaking gas tank
My floorboards caved on me
While fixing other ones
So then the door came off
The windows fell right through
I phoned help straight away
There's nothing I could do
Ceiling leaked brownish gunk
Came through the water tank
Fell through the ceiling
The carpet really stank
So April Fool's Day
I hate this damn day
I can buy a better house
Where there's no work to do

[Saz]
It's got fleas big as bees
It's got woodrot and mould
The wind blows right through
And it makes it damn cold
When we first viewed this house
In that warm summer breeze
We knew that this is where we wanted to be
It was lovely

[DAK]
It was great
Made a sharp move in date

[Both]
When we'd both finished viewing
Thought 'this is the one'
The salesman was clapping
We were all pretty happy
Til the drains leaked all day
And put stains on the floor

[Both]
This house'll be the death of us
It's crooked, broke and bare
And the doors are falling off
Just up the stairs

[Saz]
The salesman's a punk

[DAK]
He thought we were drunk
So he sold us this hole
And now i'm on the dole

[Saz]
This house is a sh*thole
A crappy ol' pithole
If we don't fix it soon
The whole thing'll ka-boom

[Both]
The walls are all chipped
And the leccy's tripped
We're living in the dark
And the house will soon come down
And fall apart

[DAK]
We could've had a home

[Saz]
But now we're all alone
The house was spooking me
When I first saw it

[DAK]
I tried to fix it, babe
I couldn't on my own
Can't make a house a home
If it falls down around you

[Both]
That house was a pile
Not worth the while
And now it's unprepared
For another guest to view
It needs repairs


(found at http://www.amiright.com)


******************************


Fairytale Of Broadband

Parody by Jim A

my net connection failed, using broadband
and then my ISP, said "try another one"
and then it all went wrong, with my modem line too
and I'm off the net again, and my phone lines screwed

I only got on once, now even that hopes gone
i've got a feeling, another payments due
so they've gone bankrupt, well that's a maybe
i can see it here some time, when maybe that comes true

they've got rid of modems
all that line space is sold
but you'll still get the same speed
as the phone lines of old
when i first saw that Ad
about it on TV
it promised that Broadband
was waiting for me

said it's better, fairly nifty
expensive? yes, pretty
when I had finished paying
they requested more
connection's not singing
and their number i'm pinging
we said "it's appalling"
they said "just tonight"

the guys on the AOL helpline
were saying "Go away"
and I won't be on the Net
at all today

the lines dropped,
I go hmph,
and my PC is junk
sitting there near my bed
with the connection dead
the hard disk got knackered
the keyboard got battered
yes this service is @rse
ISP? that's a laugh

the people at Freeserve tried tonight
to fob me off again
and I won't be on the Net
at all today

i could have just logged on
unlike everyone
but it's still 'line busy'
just when i try you
they say it's just today
it's just as if they know
this is a con that goes
when online terms confuse you

The techies at BT anytime
were busy once again
and I won't be on the Net
at all today


(found at http://www.amiright.com)


******************************


Fairytale Of Middle Earth

Parody by Adam Eccleshall

[Legolas]
We were off to fight them
Fiends from Mordor
The wizard said to me
"Here comes another lot"
And then he buggered off
With Pippin at his side
I saw him ride away
And felt cold in-side

Got on a sprightly horse
You sat behind, of course
I had a feeling
It may break under you
To Pelennor, now
To fight a battle
Against many evil foes
We'd cut the things in two

[Gimli]
They had hoards of those orcs
They had bloody great trolls
And I thought when I saw them
We may never get old
Then you pointed ahead
At an army or three
You said there were
Uruk-hai waiting for me

[Legolas]You are too small
[Gimli]You're too pretty
It's true, don't get snitty
[Both]When we both finished counting
You wept at the score
The axes were swinging
While a hobbit was singing
We headed for Gondor
Then fought through the night

And the men of the Minas Tirith guard
Were fighting through the day
While the beacons all lit up
For Rohan aid

[Gimli]You're no fun
So I've said
[Legolas]There's no sense in your head
And your feet turned to lead at the Paths of the Dead
[Gimli]Keep away from my delf *
No-good lousy wood-elf
I'll kick you up the arse
If you kill off the last

[Both]And the men of the Minas Tirith guard
Were fighting through the day
While the beacons all lit up
For Rohan aid

[Legolas]I was on ninety-one
[Gimli]I hit another one
You stole my kills from me
My count was but two
[Legolas]My arrows took them out
Counted them as my own
Can't take them all alone
We killed all we ran into

[Both]The men of the Minas Tirith guard
Were fighting through the day
While the beacons all lit up
For Rohan aid


(found at http://www.amiright.com)


******************************


Fairytale: The Divorce

Parody by Sweet Indigo

Ever noticed how all fairy tale princesses marry some bloke called Prince Charming? Here's a guy who thinks monogamy is some kind of wood!

My name's Prince Charming
I love the ladies
Soon as I'm done with one
I'll get another one
I've married five of them
But it all fell apart
It wasn't all my fault
Just let me tell you

I got a greedy one
A servant girl, no fun
She was so pretty
But what a gold digger
So Cinderella
Stepmother needs you
Put on your crystal shoes
Take your mouse friends with you

She had hair for her stairs
And a voice like a bird's
But she started to mumble,
Forgot all the words
When I first climbed her tower
She was lovely and fair
Now Rapunzel's a bore
Won't you let down your hair?

She was pale
And a beauty
But her past was quite fruity
Before we were married
She'd had seven men
Snow White burst my bubble
Moaned of stepmother trouble
If she'd still had that apple
I'd have ate it myself

It's "Happy Ever After"
That sick joke, it makes me hurl
Prince Charming's going to find another girl

There were thorns
There were briers
I climbed up the spires
Saw a broad dressed in red there asleep on the bed
O Rose and her nagging
My patience was sagging
Sleeping Beauty? My arse!
Sadly that didn't last

It's "Happy Ever After"
That sick joke, it makes me hurl
Prince Charming's going to find another girl

I found a lovely girl
I gave her everything
Pure feather mattresses
When I first found her
I thought she was a babe
But oh how she complained
To find a single pea!
That over-sensitive girl!

It's "Happy Ever After"
That sick joke, it makes me hurl
Prince Charming's going to find another girl


(found at http://www.amiright.com)



******************************


The Politically Correct Fairytale Of New York

by Paddy Murray

It was December 24th, equal status female friend,
In the area set aside for the treatment of those with alcohol problems,
A senior citizen suggested that i seek medical help for fear that I may suffer fatal consquences from my condition in the coming twelve months,
Then he sang a song,
Which appeared to be about an alcoholic drink,
I was a bit rude, I admit, and turned away,
But I fell asleep and I dreamed of you.

I had a bet today - though I know that offends those in many religions -
And it came in at eighteen to one,
I have a feeling,
This year’s for me and you,
So Happy Christmas/Hannukah/Ramadan/Winter Solstice*
I love you equal status female friend,
I can see a better time,
When all our dreams come true

They’ve got high emission mechanically propelled vehicles the size of licensed premises,
They’ve got rivers of gold,
But the wind goes right through you,
And those in their senior years really should wrap up well or, better still, stay indoors,
When you first took my hand,
On a cold December 24th,
You promised me Broadway was waiting for me.

You were handsome but not in a way that suggests other males were less so,
And you were handsome too, in a similar way,
Queen of New York City,
When the band finished playing,
They cheered and shouted “encore”
Sinatra was swinging - though not in the irresponsible, partner swapping sexual sense,
And those with alcohol problems were singing,
We kissed on a corner
And danced through the night.

And the boys of the NYPD choir,
Were singing Galway bay,
And the bells were ringing out,
For the 25th of December.

You are clearly short of money,
And you like Seventies music similar to that once produced by the Sex Pistols,
And you, it has to be said, appear to be a woman of loose morals with a heroin problem,
Evidenced by the fact that you’re in hospital and on a drip to boot,
You’re not a nice person and you remind me of an insect of the kind people often use when they go fishing,
You are not expensive and you are possibly homosexual not that there’s anythiing wrong with that,
Happy Christmas/Hannukah/Ramadan/Winter Solstice* my bottom,
I pray to God/Buddah/Muhhamed/Yahweh/Nobody at all that we don’t have another one.

And the boys of the NYPD choir,
Were singing Galway bay,
And the bells were ringing out,
For the 25th of December.

I could have been someone,
Well,that’s true of everyone,
You took my dreams from me
When I first found you,
I kept them with me equal status female friend,
I put them with my own,
Can’t make it all alone,
I built my dreams around you.

And the boys of the NYPD choir,
Were singing Galway bay,
And the bells were ringing out,
For the 25th of December.


*For a full list of religious festivals from around the world held at this time of year, please send a stamped addressed envelope to, oh, the BBC.

(found in Paddy Murray's blog)