In Search Of Shane
The rumours about mysteries surrounding Shane and Joey thicken. "Things are much more complicated ... MUCH MORE!!! Shane's got no choice," reassures us an enigmatic person boldly nicknamed Medusa at Pogues forum. "He HAS TO speak well about Joey, otherwise he will get in serious trouble." We touched the mystery. Mystery can kill... And where is Shane? They tell us he is in Thailand. Hmm, who knows...
Requests have been raised: "Why don't we send someone to Thailand to check so we all know for sure?"
Yes, why not? So two selfless, devoted Shane’s fans left for a country far, far away to untangle the web of mysteries and find out if dirty business is going on around the Irish National Treasure.
The journey to the airport
On our way to airport, getting stuck in traffic jams...
M: We should have been there half an hour ago.
Z: Hope you didnt have an encouraging drink beforehands... Airport staffs usually dont approve very much.
M: Mmm let's wait, no need for panic beforehands! Who knows, maybe we'll spend another hour or so in that jam... like two flies.
Z: Butterflies!! Getting stuck in a flowery meadow.
M: It stinks!
Z: You must breathe those traffic exhalations and imagine they smell like roses!
M: I'll make a gulp better...
Z: Okay, but a gulp of grapefruit juice.
M: It's finished...
Z: What?! The box was full a minute ago. You must have poured it out of the window... With a wicked plan in mind.
M: where are our tickets BTW?? Oops we continue moving.
Z: Ehm, are you sure the world isnt moving with YOU? We are still as immobile as a piece of rock... Tickets? In the wallet of a professional manager, of course. I just hope the wallet is in the bag, under the juice box.
M: Where?!!!
Z: My goodness!! Are you sure you poured only juice out of the window?!
M: I didn't pour it of the window! I poured it on meself!!! Satisfied?!
Z: I will be satisfied when you check yourself for the tickets!!
M: I didn't take tickets! I thought we would get them at check in airport.
Z: I picked them up at the travel agent a month ago!! Oh... here they are. On the floor.
M: Shite... A month ago?!!!!!
Z: Uhm, well, about 30 hours ago... But to me it seemed like a month!!
M: Hey! You like are not glad to go to Thailand with me!!!!!!
Z: I am glad!!! Happy, overjoyed, exhilarated!
M: Nah! you don't sound so happy... I don't know why... I did my best! I bought tan cream...
Z: But left me in charge of getting semtex...
M: You wanted it! It was your idea!
Z: A cool idea! I am just not sure what stuff I got - it smells exactly like the plasticine I used to shape animals from when I was a kid...
M: Where did you get it?
Z: Some man met me at the bank of Labe river... Just next to the outflow of the chemical works - water is red and blue there, and the smell..., well, intoxicating.
M: WHAT DO YOU DO IN SUCH PLACES?
Z: Get proofs of the damage of environment for Greenpeace!!!
M: Ok, I see. Where did you place it? Not in my back bag I hope?
Z: Of course not! In your handbag - we must have it close at hand.
M: Take it away please, I have loads of other shite to worry about.
Z: Btw, I took a sample of the reddish water into a bottle... Hope you didnt swap it for our bottle of strawberry lemonade by mistake.
M: I thought it was a bottle of Finlandia...
Z: Btw, someone trod on your articket... Hope they will be able to decipher it at the airport.
M: It's a plot! They don't want me to get to Thailand!
Z: No worries - a bit of mineral water poured onto a napkin works wonders. See? The ticket looks like new again. Just a bit wet...
M: Aha... great! Wet jeans, wet tickets...
Z: It looks okay - like a person who really cares for hygiene.
M: Kidding? I had a shower yesterday!
Z: But did the jeans have one?! I think the juice did them well.
M: They are sticky now! Ok, looks like we arrived! Don't forget you bag! And take your notebook aboard. I have to finish the bottle, don't want to take it to airport
Z: Hey, stop!! Lets better give the bottle to the cab driver as a tip.
M: Too late, too late, too late... Give him additional quid...
Z: Two quids at least for the mess we left here...
M: He must be proud! He got something to remember for the rest of his life and to tell his kids about! Has to nurse these sweet memories in the depth of his soul.
I feel like we should find a porter...
Z: Lets take a trolley! It doesnt demand any tips...
M: Trolley? I can't drink trolley!
Z: You can chew it to get rid of the bottomless thirst!! And to gain beautiful Shane-like teeth. Here we have one, lets go!
M: Won't we pay a look into duty free?!
Z: Interested in some nice souvenir? Postcard to send home? Okay - but we are taking a wide berth around liquid duty free stuff, I warn you.
M: I want some liquid souvenirs!!!!!!! I want something that will remind me about sweet home.
Z: Alright - lets buy chocolate pralines with liquid filling. And a bottle of perfume for Vicky. But hurry, we should have been at the gate twenty minutes ago!!
M: And two bottles of vodka! Ok, I'll be back in a minute, wait!
....
M: This is for you - films and magazines... put it somewhere but not into my bag please it's full.
Z: Full of what?!?! Well, better if the bag is full than if your stomach (and blood) would be.
M: With books! Look!
Z: Irresistible Temptation by Danielle Steel plus Hamlet? This can only be a cover for something underneath...
M: Hushhhhh... True Story of Kelly Gang in the bottom...
Z: Hmm, I hope the Thai officers wont mistake if for Al Quaida manual... Hurry up!! Plane is almost taking off.
M: Where is my passport?
Z: Your brand new passport?!?! It should be in the juice-soaked back pocket of your jeans!
M: Why.. Oh yes, here is it! Bt why is my BACK pocket soaked with juice I wonder...
Z: Perhaps the previous passenger in the cab had similar ways of dealing with juice... that is the better option!
M: Hmm. maybe... Ok let's go!!! We will miss our plane with all that baggage, why to take the whole wardrobe? They will think you gonna open a store of outer garments there
Z: What about giving it to poor airport-based homeless people to get rid of the ballast?
M: Great idea! It will save our and officials time.
Z: It is hot in Thailand anyway. But dont give away the spyglass, notebook and camera by mistake!!
M: Come on!!! They mentioned our flight.
Z: Run to the gate!!! Quickly, no stumbling!
M: What about baggage?
Z: Take only the handbags, I am taking the equipment. Just hurry or we will get stuck here!!
M: And the rest?? Let's say there is a bomb they will hold flight back
Z: Who was it saying that we shouldnt take the rubbish with us?? Follow your initial advice!
M: And your semtex?
Z: In the camera bag. Safe and sound.
M: Wait! My whistle!!
**********
M:
Well... We successfully got aboard. Like in all those pathetic movies. In the very last moment. Carried almost all of our baggage through... Zuzana had left something there or she said so. Maybe that's why she behaved like a true fascist here. In contrast to stewardesses – such nice girls. Banned drinking... Tried to bind me to the seat with the belt... No walking or changing seats. Flying jail. I had to escape to the economy class to get a drink as she asked our stewardess to keep bringing only pure water...
She exposed me to shame, made me seem dumb.
"What did you say: glass and tonic, yeah? Okay!! "
"Please, send somebody for MacRua’s whistle! To fill his mouth with something."
And when I tried to leave for a while what I heard to my "I will be back soon"?! - "You will not - you are tied to the seat. With the safety belt"
Laughing-stock...
And being in a hurry, I left my whistle, dice and books in my bag. And nobody is willing to bring it to me from the luggage space. Bastards.
********
Day 2
New day after a night spent aboard the plane began promisingly...
MacRua: I am ready for grand deeds! Gonna make a legend today.
... but very soon the truth came out:
M: My main feat for today is to make into Thailand. Safe landing, problemless passing through officials and survival in airport bar... We should not forget about our mission! What is our sacred task? To find Shane and bring him back to his lifelong friend, right? Where is Shane? Where we can find him? Where shall we start? Do you have plan? I have! We should search every pub/ bar/caffe in Thailand! And do it methodically. Without missing venues! Only this will make my plan work! The nearest bar after landing will be airport bar! There we must start!
Breakfast on the plane
M: Mmm, they have great whiskey here, pity I didn't ask for it yesterday...
Z: And what is this?
M: They call it a breakfast, I dont know... What does it look like ? Hmm, can it be fish?
Z: It can. Or perhaps a very greyish ham...
M: Greyish?!
Z: Look at the colour! Ham should look pink and healthy? This is either a fish or a murder attempt...
M: I prefer to believe it's fish! Anyway I recomend you local whiskey, maybe last true whiskey till our way home...
Z: Well, I know there is a tune about "three young ladies drinking whiskey before breakfast", but I will better risk this.
M: Look! I can go and ask something else! Buns, cakes?
Stewardess: "Yes, sir? Can I help you?" (And a wide smile, showing at least 20 snow-white teeth.)
M: Please, a cup of tea (which one? with bergamoth?), chocolate cake... double whiskey... omelette
Z: Stop or the poor lady will not be able remember everything!
M: That's all! tea with bergamoth, chocolate cake and double whiskey!!!
Z: ... and omelette.
M: You said she was not able to remeber it! Here's a piece of paper, miss! Tea with bergamoth, chcolate cake, double whiskey, omelette and Guinness!
Z: Wait!! You wrote it on the back of my health-insurance!!
M: Miss then bring this piece of paper back, OK? We need it!
Z: The cake is delicious. Fresh, chocolate... come on, put the glass aside for a moment and take a piece!
M: Mmmmmm yeshhh ish vreat!!!
Z: You have eaten that suspicious fish as well!!
M: With schocolate shake it'ssh ok... Would you like another cake?
Z: Yes, please! Since you didnt leave much of the first one for me...
M: OK, stewardess! SHOP!!!!!!
Z: Shop? Hey, we are still aboard, no duty-frees here!
M: I want to attract this bi.. biddy.. Missss! fucking..
Z: This biiiiieautiful woman, yeah. Dont shout so loudly, please!! Half the passengers are staring!
M: What the sence to shout quietly?! I want another fucking piece of bloody cake!
Z: Okay, I will pretend I am fully occupied with the notbook... and not even here...
M: And I have fight for that piece of shite? ok... MiSSS...
Z: She isssssss coming!! Just smile and wait for her, she is no olympic sprinter!!
M: Here miss!!!!
Stewardess: Yes? (flashing smile, but a bit uncertain.)
M: Please, miss! another piece of bloody cake! sorry, chocolate cake! apple juice and if you serve bottles - a bottle of whiskey. Yes and glass! and please, bring back our piece of paper! thanks
Stewardess: We dont serve bottles, sir. Only glasses. And I am sorry I threw the paper into a bin. Would you like to take a look inside?
M: Yes! bring me bin and double whiskey! thanks A LOT!
Stewardess: Here you are. (One stewardess juggles cake, tea and whiskey, another one holds a big dustbin.)
M: Cunt.. Can't you open the lid please... (after a bit of rummaging through the rubbish) ... You want you paper back? Here you are!
Z: Awwww!! It is all coffee-stained, wipe it first!
M: Put it into the book to smooth. Your Daniela Steel or what you call that fucker..
Z: Mine?? Who bought it at the airport? I am embarassed every time I see its cover. Hmmm, putting the paper there I can take a look _underneath_ the books in the bag....
M: Yes! When we get our baggage.
Z: Why do you advise me to put the paper into the book if the book isnt here? Effects of all that whiskey, I suppose. Okay, I put it into your new passport instead.
M: Hey!!!! Leave my passport alone, OK? Rather sit on that bloody paper! Or I will sit on it!
Z: Alright!! Yout trousers cannot get any worse anyway...
M: Give it to me! Satisfied? I'll go to lavatory...
Z: Come back soon, my paper needs you!
M: Ooh, sweeet noothing...
Z: Beg your pardon? Being elated after lavatory visit?
M: Yeah.
Z: Did you have such an interesting programme there?
M: Radio na Gealtachta.
Z: Conas a bhí sa chlár?
M: What?
Z: You are not much bright eyed anymore, huh? And it is only 10 a.m...
M: We have not so much time yeah?
Z: Oh no, we have all the time on our hands... all the time in the world to waste...
... after much more stress and embarassment (and many more glasses), the great moment finally came.
M: The problem is wine has been finished! Look, empty bottle! I need something for inspiration!
Z: Look! See the ground below us? It is surely Thailand!
M: What can bring me true inspiration for great acting - only true spirits!
Z: See the beaches? The crystal tourquoise sea? That is a source of inspiration!
M: Nah. Only stars!!! .... on cognac labels...
M: Bu-eeeee.
Z: Hey, are you sick?! Or was it a brave attempt to convey a message?
M: I always feel sick during landing!
Z: Relax, close your eyes and dream about sandy beaches! With beautiful shells!
M: Cockles and mossels?! Bu-eeeeee.
Z: Empty shellssss... Pearlssss...
M: Give me some cold beer! And I'll be OK!
Z: They dont serve anything now! Look, everybody must fasten their safety belt.
M: Look in the bottle or in glasses around?! Maybe something left?
Z: Sorry, you have drunk everything. Unless you want to lick the wet floor...
M: Mmmmmmmm...
Z: Oh, my dear... Get up, and fasten the belt! The stawerdess is coming and she doesnt smile any longer!
M: Fuck that stewardess! She has to help me with beer!
Stewardess: Excuse me, could you please take your seat? I can help you with the safety belt, okay?
M: Help me with cold beer!
Stewardess: It grieves me sore to disappoint you, but we cannot serve drinks in the time of landing. Just take a seat, good, and wait till we are safely on the ground.
M: Uh, a bunch of fascists!
Z: Erich Hartmann's friends.
M: He was great guy and loved beer.. Uuhhh...
Z: So you are in a good company. Think about Erich and patiently wait till we are down.
... and down went we... and my hopes for passing through all the procedures smoothly.
*********
At the airport
M: What about passing customs? I was not able to go through the metal detector and safely carry the pistol in my left boot? Plus they were anxious about getting rid of drunk than about contents of his bag?
Z: Well, I prudently removed the _plastic_ gun from your shoe when you momentarily fell asleep on an airport bench. But the detector wouldnt stop beeping until you get rid of your collection of beer lids...
M: It's not plastic!!!!
Z: And then they asked you to show your handbag... despite the fact that you could hardly stand... if a fellow passenger (huge muscled man) didnt help me support you, you wouldnt make it out of the plane... The gun _was_ plastic. Now it rests in a Thai bin.
M: It was not! It was real!!!!!! And I don't have handbag! I have backbag! Even if I hold it in hands sometimes.
Z: Look, you made it through the metal detector when we were boarding a plane, yeah? So how could it be metal?
M: We were in a hurry and run through it too fast. It had no time to beep. You HAVE SEEN!
Z: No difference - let it rest in peace in the bin now. All I can see is that we are the last passengers who havent passed the control yet!!
M: Nah! I want my pistol back!!!!!!
Z: Pick yourself up and move your ass! I cannot carry you there!
M: Where is my passport?
Z: Back pocket of jeans! At least I hope...
M: Check it.
Z: Awww... now my hand is all sticky. But passport is here! Doesnt look brand new anymore - looks as if you travelled round the globe with it.
M: Carefully! don't push me... Your gonna turn it into circus again. Look they they are staring!
Z: Look at yourself. It is no wonder. But okay, lets play a couple of happy tourists...
M: Do I have to smile?
Z: Yesss... Intelligent smile, please!
M: Beee...
Z: Not bad. Better sheep than a madman.
M: Take out your money! We will have to pay for visa.
Z: Visa? I will not have enough for a hotel! Our sponsors were greedy.
M: $30 each!
Z: 60 bucks?! Looks like we will have to sleep under the open sky...
M: On a beach, great! If you change money in bats, it will cost $25 each!
Z: Okay, I am going to do it. You stay here and watch the bags.
M: Aha. May I change my shirt?
Z: Okay, but... here?! With all the folks around?
M: Ok! If you don't want! But don't ask me to change it never again!
Z: No, I do want!!! Everything is better than that huge green stain on your back. I have just noticed it. What the hell is it?
M: Green?!!! I don't know! You are kidding
Z: No kidding! Bloody Mary, beer, whiskey and wine on your front, but a huge green stain on your back!
M: Tomato juice, lipstick, vegetables but green on my back?! Who sat behind me?
Z: A cute old lady with her two grandchildren.
M: Bastards... fuckers. It was my best shirt, who will wash it? Shite! Just look at it!
Z: Wait, I got it. Some of the kids tried to draw a tree on it. You see? There is even a small bird.
M: I will get them!
Z: You wont unless we pass the customs... Dress up, hurry! You surely wont go through the control half naked!
M: Why you have not changed the money yet???? Have you changed the bloody money?
Z: I have!! See? It took me only a sec, I am a competent manager, while you waste our precious time studying the bloody shirt!! Dress up!!
M: I will go like this.
Z: Kidding? I thought we didnt want to look suspicious. When they see a half-naked drunk, they are calling the police.
M: Nah! They will not you will see! They will not pay attantion to my dirty boots...
Z: Dont tell me there is something else in them apart from the pistol I threw away...
M: Now I wont tell you anything!!!!! Where is my bag? Give me your hand and passport. MINE!
Z: Only after you take a shirt.
M: Where are they?
Z: Hand is here, passport is here. I am waiting.
M: You want us to spend the rest of our lives here?
Z: Never! Lets make exchange - passport for T-shirt!
M: What?
Z: You dress up, I will give you your passport. Otherwise you will be stuck here forever!
M: Where is my old shirt?
Z: Thrown in a bin. And the dust man has just collected all the rubbish. Take something else, damnit, and quickly!
M: It was my favourite shirt! Give it me back and we will move!
Z: You see the dustman over there? Ask him!! He has it in the big plastic bag!
M: It wasnt me who threw it! I won't ask!
Z: So we have a problem. Be reasonable: _I_ have your passport. I can pass through the customs alone - and where will you be? Either ask the man for you beloved, once-white shirt or take another one. But do something! Look, another plane has landed and will have to wait in a long queue!
M: Ask him for my shirt! You threw it!!!
Z: It was disgusting!! Hey, this one is also cool, isnt it? Hawaii style.
M: MY SHIRT!!!!!
Z: Your shirt rests in peace... or in pieces.
M: Give me my shirt and we will go I know you didn't throw it!
Z: I did. But under the bin, not into it. It still lies there...
M: Bring it please and I'll forget about it!
Z: Pick it yourself please and I will give you your passport!
M:I can't bend! I will fall
Z: Use your whistle as a stick...
M: Want circus here?
Z: Yeah, complete with lions, bears and clowns. Pick the damned thing up!! I will pick _you_ up then if you fall.
M: Ok.
Z: So? What is the matter? Shirt has been picked up, so put it on merrily and lets go!
M: What?
Z: What what? You hold the damned rag in your hand, stare and do nothing.
M: Ok! Let's go I want to piss.
Z: First the shirt, okay? I will help you, good. Lavatory is over there. I will wait with the bags.
M: What? It is before customs?
Z: They are everywhere to make passengers comfortable. Customs first? Alright!! Going!!
M: Nah!!!! Lavatory and my bag please!
Z: Why do you want to take the bag with you?
M: I WANT it's enough!
Z: Okay, but I am keeping your passport!
M: Aha. You may.. keep it!
Z: So hurry! I am fed up with this airport. Want to see beaches, palms, blue sky!
M: Look out there is storm outside!
Z: Superb!! See? It has nearly knocked the fragile lady down. I dont want to miss it!!
M: Ok wait...
Z: Waiting...
M: So?
Z: If you are ready, we are - finally! - going.
M: Yeah, I think so... Where are they?
Z: Officers? Over there, that frowning bunch.
M: Oops, ok come on.
Z: Lets hope for the best. Smile, be polite... and dont show your bag.
M: Ok.
Z: What is the man saying? Can you understand Thai?
M: Nah! Just give him your passport and money for visa.
Z: Done. It seems he he wants something else...
M: They should speak English.
Z: Tell it to them! They dont reply to my English questions at all.
M: Say fuck off to them, they should understand.
Z: Not now when they are about to give the necessary rubber-stamp into my passport!
M: You got it?
Z: Yes!!! Hooray! Now your turn.
M: Tell them I am with you.
Z: Done. But in English... so who knows if they got it. They are asking you about something... Ah, they point at your pocket. Show them there is nothing wrong inside!
M: Phom phood thai mai dai.
Z: He laughs... it must mean something really funny.
M: Pom mai kao jai krab. Khun poot pasa angrit dai mai Krap.
Z: Good! Seems they forget about your pocket completely! But they dont like your shirt very much....
M: Khob khun crub. La kon. I don't give a flying fuck after getting their bloody visa.
Z: He hesitates with the rubber stamp in his hand... Why, oh why?
M: Well got it! Come on, where is pub...
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Photos taken from the dense jungle of the Internet, copyright unknown