Z:I am not going to sit in a stale pub with the wonderful storm outside!! Lets go to find some outer pub!
M:Just one beer and we will go! I'll buy any juice for you and you may do a report for Mudusa finally.
Z:Okay, but outside. See the welcoming terrace with tables over there?
M:OK but I have to pay just a look in inner pub! Maybe Shane's there! Let's go!
Z:Yes. Order a big glass of banana juice for me, please! I will be waiting outside, enjoying the fresh wind!
M: Do you like it? Local juice?
Z:Better than back home! This is really juice, not just a coloured water. Order it for yourself too!
M:I can't compare it you know, I'll try local whiskey. Or vodka...
Z:You said BEER!!!
M:I said beer inside!
Z:Okay, lets go inside!!
M:Back in hot and sticky atmosphere?
Z:So? Was Shane in the pub? If not, we are leaving...
M:Wait! I want to have a short rest! Let's discuss our further plans...
Z:You just had it, didnt you? Drinking cold beer in the sticky atmosphere. But okay... fetch me another juice. Pineapple this time.
M:Ok! Cake or something? Ice-cream?
Z:Ice-cream, yes!!! Huge one with fruits!
M:Kiwi, bananas...
Z:All of them. Fruit salad. Hope you order one for yourself as well. Surely you will not survive just on liquids!
M:I will have chicken and sauce... Ok, so where will we go then & have you reserved a hotel?
Z:No reservations. You book a 5 star posh place over the phone and then find out it is a lousy hole. Better to see it with our own eyes. Moreover, we are running short of cash...
Hey, I have an idea. When we are penniless, you will busk on the streets. With your whistle.
M:Why we are penniless? What about JFJ?
Z:Alright. Lets rename it to JFJ+S to have an excuse to take from it. But I like the busking idea too much to let it go...
M:You may busk if you are so excited about it...
Z:If you lend me the powerful whistle...
M:It's a very individual instrument!
Z:And I am a very individual person!
M:Nah! I can't! Herpes and things you know...
Z:Another greedy bastard... I will wash it with soap first!! And desinfection...
M:You will destroy it!
Z:Is it made of sugar or what?
M:Of tin!
Z:Tin and soap go well together. Invalid argument!!
M:OK here my argument - you can't play it!
Z:I am a fast-learner.
M:Get your own instrument!
Z:Greedy, selfish person unwilling to comfort a fellow human being. Anyway, back to our plans. First a map. Then planning our route and drawing it into the map. Systematically. And in the evening beach. In the meantime, looking for some hole to sleep in. If we dont succeed, sleeping outside. Fresh air, starry sky, roaring waves...
M: We have enough money for decent hotel! So where will I be able to find you? As I want to go for a stroll now.
Z:In a bookshop. Searching for the map.
M:Ok...
**********
Day 3
First (good ?) signs
M:I was surfing through loads of pubs all night long, fulfilling my duty. I hope I am going to learn the address of the hotel, my room number and fall there for necessary rest.
Z:You were surfing pubs while I was left with the tedious task of buying maps and booking hotels? No way, I enjoyed a bit of entertainment on my own, and didnt bore myself with going from one lousy hole to another.
M:I am afraid you have to do it being my manager. That's why I took you here...
Z:Manager doesnt mean a slave!! Look, I bought the map and took a look around the place.
M:And? What about decent hotels?
Z:What do you call decent? Hilton? One night there would suck all our remaining money. And I - as a reasonable manager - dont want to take from JFJ fund yet.
M:I need a room with bed and without bugs, with air-condition and bathroom
Z:Too high demands. We didnt come there to bask in comfort but to fulfill a mission. We will rent some bungalow on the beach. If they are full, we will stay outside.
M:You may do it of coz, rent a bungalow for yourself, rent trestle-bed or kennel. I need a room in decent hotel.
Z:What did bite you? Yesterday you wasnt so spoilt.
M:I am tired and I dont want to live on a beach, don't forget about tsunami!
Z:Bed worth 1000 bucks a night wont save you from tsunami. And how about more detailed reporting about what made you so tired, huh?
M:Restless searching!
Z:Plus restful drinking?
M:Well... what if i say "NO" ?
Z:I wouldnt believe you. Any signs of Shane? Or at least some leads?
M:Yes! Irish trad in cupla pubs. I saked and they explained - people like it... I asked what people but they can't tell, you know all Europeans are the same for them...
Z:Saked? Is it a verb to describe drinking sake? Very significant slip of the tongue!
M:Hmm...
Z: Your speech reveals the true way you spent the time. Alright, they are enchanted with Irish trad. Because a strangely looking person from somewhere the other end of the world once sang a heart-wrenching tune for them?
... the answer to this question is yet to be found...
**********
Will You Come To the Bower...
M: What do you think about this place? Siam Sawasdee Hotel.
M: Kidding?! $15?!
Z: Look at the pic! The awful chairs, the pompous statue, the disgusting paintings!! This looks more welcoming to you than palm trees and starry sky?
M: YES!!!
Z: You are a civilization-spoiled snob!
M: It's not honeymoon we came here in business!
Z: Exactly!! When sleeping outside, people tend to get up sooner - good for business. And sponsors are complaining that we waste money!!
M: Explain to them we spent all his money when bought a bottle of pepsi in airport duty free! And compare $15 and $100.
Z: The most expensive pepsi in the world... This is an ideal hotel! Open fresh air...
Z: Looks like we have a problem...
M: Sunshine garden?
Z: If we folow my suggestion, we wont lack neither sunshine nor garden!!
M: I meant this:
M: Actually you may live on the beach. I will let you in my bathroom even!
Z: OK!!! You enjoy that awful chlorinated water and the bugs inside, I am going for fresh breeze and flowery smell outside!
M: OK! Knock when you are coming!
Z: No, I wouldnt be as rude as to bother you with knocking, I will simply use the window...
M: I will ask for room as high as possible.
Z: See the high vegetation all around? Upper floor shouldnt be an obstacle for me... Ahhh, back to childhood, I loved climbing trees.
M: Look at this. Sawasdee...
M: For this shite?!!!!!! This???
M: OK! Sawasdee than, it's cheap at least - $14.
Z: I want this!!! Or something similar...
Z: What do you have against wooden cottages?? You are an accomodation-racist!!
M: I am fucking rediculous prices racist!
Z: If you cared about prices, you would agree on a beach!!!!
M: Find me wooden cottage for $13 and we will be living there together. I want a bed, air condition and a bathroom. Your cottages are $ 550 per person! You are kiddin! And it's fucking island!
Z: If the houses were swept by the sea, they would be less than 550 cents!!
M: Air Conditioned Hot Water IDD/Direct Dial Line Minibar/Fridge Television Internet Access Laundry Restaurant Safety Box
Z: Look, lets go to the nearest beach and ask, how about that?
M: To the nearest bitch and ask what?!
Z: Ask if she hasnt entertained a suspicious middle-aged Irishman lately!
M: Great! Come on! But why are you so interested in suspicious aged Irish men?!
Z: Because I havent forgotten about the goal of our mission yet, while you cannot think of anything else apart from a climatised bed into which you could plop yourself and surf TV channels!
M: What do you have agaisnt TV channels?! Plus our mission - Shane not suspicious aged Irish fucker!
Z: So what is he? Smashing Latinoamerican playboy?
M: Irish treasure! Punk Legend! SMitW!!! And TV surfing is much better than dreams about aged fuckers! You disappointed me...
Z: Dreams?! So you are planning to spend all the cash dreaming? And bringing back what - a bestseller titled "My Thai Nights"?
M: Yes! It could have been a bestseller if you din't try to bind me!
Z: No, in such a case it would have been an autopsy report - written by some anonymous bastard.
M: Great epilogue... Ok, let's go to your bloody Sawasdee.
Z: Yes, lets go to my beautiful seaside!!
M: Sawasdee!
Z: SEASIDE!!
M: I am going to Sawasdee, you may go where you want, OK?
Z: OK. Just a tiny remark - it is me who keeps our treasury. Wonder how you will persuade them to forgive you their 13 bucks...
M: I see you want to rip off your client... JFJ is mine! Our treasury we spent on pepsi, don't forget!
Z: What?? I want to satisfy our sponsors, fulfill our mission and let my client experience an unforgettable trip!!
M: So why are you still here and not on your way to that bloody anthill?
Z: A moment ago you called it a posh hotel...
M: Me? How long have you been hearing voices?
Z: Since I volunteered to set upon this damned journey... Okay, where is the lousy hole? Will we make it there on foot?
M: Why? We'll stop a taxi! And ask to bring us to Pattaya.
Z: You need a walk! And how could we appreciate Thai beauties from a window of a moving tin can??
M: A walk from Bangkok to Pattaya? We'll spend moer on boots than on a car!
Z: A walk to the closest bus stop. And then a bus ride to experience a bit of local life.
M: A bus?! We are secret agents on a secret mission!
Z: Yeah, that is why we should meddle into a crowd!!
M: Hot, stinky bus? Side by side with sweaty tourists and loud locals?
Z: Exactly!! We are no hothouse flowers, are we?
M: I am! A gentle tulip!
Z: More the reason to plant you into a dreary reality of a cold and unwelcoming outer flower-bed! Survival of the fittest!! Lets go!
M: A hour and a half!!!
Z: Yesss, a hour and half of a real local colour.
M: I will be sick in a bus! I promise!
Z: You can make a paper bag from the pages of Danielle Steel, dont worry.
M: Ok but I'll buy some beer...
Z: Here you have a dollar (you see I still have some left!), fetch the beer from the stall to wash up your mind. I will be waiting.
M: Here I have another ten! I'll be back soon.
Z: Another ten?! Who did you steal them from?? Our neighbour on the plane? The small girl who sat near our table in the restaurant, playing with her doll?
M: Got subsidy.
Z: Clear. With the way you look, you can just sit there at the sidewalk and raise a million from tender hearted passer-bys.
M: Jealous?
Z: Never! Only considering all financial possibilities...
M: Of secret funds?
Z: Of funds to pay my future secretary with.
M: Dream about it, I don't mind...
Z: Dream and plot and scheme... Okay, lets better go. The main bus stop should be just a short walk down this street. Perhaps ten minutes... or twenty... or..., lets go.
M: Wait, I can't drink on the run!
Z: Looks like we will never make it to the hotel... Well, I dont mind, there are nice clean beaches everywhere around.
M: Sorry! Just a minute, I have to ask cupla question... I'll be back in a minute.
Z: Waiting patienly and basking in the sun...
M: We may go!
Z: Hooray... Hey, ask somebody which bus goes to Pattaya! You are expert on speaking Thai...
M: I dont know how to ask it...
Z: Your airport performance was marvelous. You will manage.
M: We have to find Eastern Bus Terminal
Z: Hmm... Where is east? On our left?
M: Well who is manager here? Buses leave every 40 minutes.
Z: Okay, it is evening, setting sun is on our right, so eastern terminal must be to our left. Clear! ... If this is the right terminal and if Thai numbers are the same as ours, bus should be there in 5 mins. We are lucky!
M: Like drowneds.
Z: Well, you will soon be drowned if you dont stop drinking...
M: I will stop for a while when we get to the hotel.
*********
And a rovin' a rovin' a rovin' we go
Dull stroke of forehead against the window.
M: (rising his head and opening eyes, both with obvious effort) Are we in the bus now?
Z: You don't remember? Assiduous searching for Shane has terrible effects on your memory... Bus came on time (big yellow crate looking a bit like a beaten and battered American school bus), people started to get in and you tried to elbow your way to the front to be first aboard. But after a big Thai local grasped the front of your shirt, threw you away (causing you to break a bag of eggs carried by a nearby old lady), you gave up and sullenly agreed to wait till all the other passengers are in.
M: (looking around with interest and discovering his bag with satisfaction) Did someone help me in with my tired body and heavy bag? By the way, looks like we tried to make into wrong bus: there are two kinds of them - the first takes away every 40 minutes - conditions and things - for tourists. another - every 30 minutes - for locals... (extracting beer can with care and openning it with impendence)
Z: Nobody could help you since we were the only ones left outside. So I self-denyingly took all the bags (except the backpack you refused to give me) and you bravely get to cope with the steps. You tripped and nearly fell from the first one, but then you made it. Plopped yourself on the nearest seat, let me pay for the fare...
M: (gulping with melancholy) Look! They are washing elephants there! (opening the curtain for just a moment and then covering in shade again)
Z: Where? (reaches over her half-conscious companion and pulls the curtain wide just in time to spot the hygienic procedure at least for a second. Then she is pushed away irritably)
M: Hey, carefully what’s the matter?!
Z: Just trying to clear your motionless body from my way of sight. But now you can relax again, elephants disappeared behind.
M: Want me to get blind? (drawing curtain back)
Z: Only spirits-blind, but that would be a super-human task to accomplish. So enjoy your darkness and good night!
M: Want to stare at the window?! Take my seat...
Z: No, I definitely wont bother you with standing up...
M: Do you want to see elephants, pagodas and other shite???
Z: I think I can watch them from my safe aisle seat too.
M: Move to bloody window and leave me alone! You'll get pain in the neck staring through the opposite one!
Z: How caring... Okay, if you feel such an urgent need to carry on a thorough exploration of the aisle, I will not place any more obstacles into your merry way. (getting up and backing into the aisle)
M: Will you squeeze here.
Z: Of course I will, I am nimble like a ballet dancer. Just get up, please, I am no Rambo to carry you from one seat to another.
M: What is this...shite... take you bloody notebook... or hold my beer. NAH!! Hold notebook! FUCK! Sorry ma'am. Wait I will wipe... Shite, I am really sorry... Does she undrestand me? I mean it's OK, don't worry! It's beer nothing else, cold beer it will fresh you... Ok, get to the window, quickly.
Z: (slipping to the window seat without any comment, clasping the notebook in her white-knuckled fingers. Stopping just before sitting down as there is undescribable mess on the seat - napkins, torn tickets, crumpled pack with juice, something that resembles a dead frog...) What the hell is that?!
M: (discovering his ragged pocket book in leather cover which supposedly fell out of his bag when he took a beer can) It's mine!! Give it to me!!!
Z: Hey, what is inside? Chords for whistle tunes? A recipe for making 90% poitin? Or is it a stolen diary of Joey?
M: Phone numbers nothing else, give it to me!!!
Z: (throwing the repulsive thing back, on the seat) Pick it up yourself, I will not touch the grimy, slimy awfulness again!
M: (reaching for his treasure) HEY!!! Put you feet away don't you feel you stand on my bag?!!!
Z: Oh, million apologies, I thought I was standing on a moving sand. (Sighing deeply, she backs away from the seat again, nearly dropping the notebook when she stumbles over an empty beer can.) They will need an oversized rubbish container to clean the vehicle after you... Hey, what are you waiting for? Clean the seat and tidy yourself away from the aisle, we are approaching a stop, and people will want to get out!
M: (extracting his bag from under the seat with offence, putting the unattractive pocketbook inside with jealousy, clasping his shapless bag to the bossom with pride) Move there.
Z: (Taking careful steps, she approaches the seat again, all disgusted brushes the rest of the mess to the floor, settles the notebook on the aisle seat...) Dont dare to sit on it! (... then extracts a clean towel from her bag, places it over the seat with great care, and only afterwards sits down, picking up the notebook and placing it into her lap) Alright, now you can sit down. Dont stay there staring as if your bees flew away!
M: (seating himself and peeping into his bag) Shane has to show on 12th March.
Z: So we have a deadline.
M: (extracting another can) We didn't promise to FIND him, right? We kindly agreed to check Thailand, yeah?
Z: But we dont want to disappoint those who put their hopes into us, yeah? So we should come up at least with a scrap of Shanes shirt... or a print of the sole of his shoe...
M: Will you place my bag somewhere please? Maybe on the shelf above you?
Z: Uhh... what do you keep inside? It weighs as if it was full of stones. I wont endanger our fellow passengers with heaving this!
M: Ok, put it under the seat, I'll hold you notebook.
Z: (giving away the notebook with the highest grade of reluctance, she pushes the battered bag under the neighbouring seat and turns to the window to admire the beauties flying by much too quickly.)
M: Oi! Ferry sinks off Thailand killing seven!
Z: (looking through the window at palms and wats) Hmmm... Thinking about using it as an excuse in case we find nothing?
M: Nah, I am just reading the news.
Z: Where did you get newspaper?
M: Online reports!
Z: (turning back with horror) Hey, put the can of beer away when messing with my notebook!
M: Don't push me and everything will be OK!
Z: Dont touch it! I dont want to spend the rest of the trip cut away from the outer world.
M: A ferry carrying about 70 people to the Thai resort island of Phuket sank in bad weather Saturday and at least 10 people died. And you wanted to settle on an island...
Z: Of course, on an island - dont you think it is exactly the place Shane would choose to have a bit of privacy?
M: I pray he was not on the ferry...
Z: Dont worry, he is permanently sick even on a solid ground, so why would he enter ferries?
M: He used to do it! Both of us have watched it!
Z: Only B&I ferries.
M: He could mix them! Mind what state he's usually in! ... What is the colour of the bus we are in? I don't know! It could be Geyhound or fuck knows what...
Z: Yellow as a sunflower. Or a canary bird... Most optimistic colour, so dont grumble!
M: I'll stop grumbling when I put my foot on solid ground! Give me my bag please!
Z: So that you could splosh the beer into it? What do you need? I will hand it to you. A book? (with hope: ) Clean shirt?
M: A player if I am not let to use you bloody NB. Hope you don't mind?
Z: No, make yourself at home.
M: Ye nine, inspire me, and with rapture fire me to sing the buildings, both old and new,
The majestic court house, and spacious workhouse,
And the church and steeple which adorn the view
Z: Dont you want to accompany it on tin whistle next time? Look, that man over there looks like he might award you for your performance with hard cash... or a hard punch...
M: Now, in conclusion, I make allusion to the beauteous females that here abound;
Celestial creatures with lovely features, and taper ankles that skim the ground
My punch will be harder, the can is worth something...
Z: Let me remind you that it is empty and lighter than bird's feather. Next full one only on Pattaya.
M: Nah! I have at least two more in the bag. Let me at least hold one, it's cold!
Z: Alright. But if you open it, I will throw the other one out of the window, clear?
M: Can for can? Not bad... why you don't want me drink beer? Innocent beer nothing else?
Z: Too much innocence wouldnt make you any good. Can for can.
M: Ok then! I'll hold it...
I dreamed I beheld a fair female
Her equal I had ne-er seen before
As she sighed for the wrongs of her country
As she strayed along Erin-s green shore.
... before the final moving syllable fully resounded in the stale air, the bus jerked into a halt, and Pattaya Beach finally extended its welcoming arms...
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
© MacRua, Zuzana, 2005
photos © unknown
