Home Sweet Home
M: (reads from a screen) "Big article in last Sunday’s Independent about Shane and Victoria's recent holiday to post-tsunami Thailand. Didn't consist of much apart from Shane seemingly boozing his way through the holiday on mekong whiskey." We were on the right route!!!!!!
Z: I might have missed him in some of the pubs just by a minute...
M: Big article didn't consist of much... Just like our masterpieces.
Z: But Shane at least returned for the gigs. To what end has our journey come, huh?
M: We came back too! And I have given an account to Joey about spent money from his fund.
Z: Yeah? And did he approve? Dear Joey, we spent money from your fund on booze, juice, bananas, posh hotels, paying the damage we caused in the room....
M: He is used to it. No objection as far as I remember. ... Damage in the room? Could you show me the bill please?
Z: Why? Have you forgotten if you paid it or not?
M: Nah, just curious.
Z: Hmm... you dont remember what you damaged? It clearly testifies to the state you were in...
M: No bills so far? No documents?
Z: No bills - you paid in cash immediately to close their mouths.
M: It contradicts what you say about my state...
Z: It doesnt - in a sober state you wouldnt pay anything to anybody, would you? You would deny, threaten, cause scandals, but not obey.
M: I could not reach my pocket...
Z: True. You asked the liftboy to reach there and he did it, hoping for a rich tip. But instead of giving him any, you slapped him with a menu (stolen from the hotel restaurant), so the poor boy headed for escape.
M: I’ve never slapped children!
Z: He looked quite mature. Do you think they would risk allowing children’s work in such a posh hole?!
M: It's Thai! Why not? It's business.
Z: It would ruin the hotel if guests spread rumours about exploited kids!
M: They come there to exploit kids!!!!!
Z: That is another matter. Hotel owners have to be careful about a proper image. And hey, I have no idea how old the brat was! I just know he looked old enough.
M: You called him a boy...
Z: Is there any age limitation for a "boy"?!
M: Was it boy? I mean male at least? Or do you call everyone who works in a lift a "boy"?
Z: Ah, politically incorrect word. Okay, I will call him a liftperson if you wish (or a lift operator, lift manager, lift clerk, choose whatever you like best), but I insist he was male. Isnt it a relief for you? To know you didnt slap a girl at least?
M: It depends on which place of the lift operator was slapped...
Z: Does it? Slapping certain parts of female operators is viewed as grounds for sueing nowadays...
M: No lawsuit yet. Does it mean it was really a boy?
Z: I guess you would like to hear it was a girl who was highly pleased with the slapping, yeah? But I must disappoint you. A boy. And the upper part of him was slapped - but no worries, the menu had a soft leather cover.
M: Without metal corners?
Z: With golden ones. But the middle part was used as a weapon, corners were not given the chance to take action.
M: I know for sure I spent at least two mornings on the beach, if you deny it I can't believe this story of yours either..
Z: Why does it bother you so much? The boy didnt suffer any harm - right the opposite, it seemed to me that his bleary eyes finally brightened after the slap. But he was a coward, you know - when he noticed that there was a small but heavy-looking iron sculpture close to your hand, he backed out of the room. And as for the beach... did I say you were not there? I just said you didnt pay much attention to the deep blue sea.
M: I was swiming.
Z: If you had been "swimming", you wouldnt have made it back home alive...
M: I was swimming! I know it for sure! To swim after cupla beers was never a problem for me!
Z: And what about swimming after more than cupla beers mixed with cupla whiskeys (not sure if homely) and a wide selection of local stuff?
M: It's OK too! I am careful always as I never mean to sink...
Z: Yes, you were careful on Pattaya - never going more than ankle deep into the water. What a relief for me, I was prepared to call for the lifeguards in case you stepped any further.
M: Does it mean that cupla times I managed to loose away from your tutelage?
Z: Or does it mean that cupla times your intoxicated mind was playing really marvelous tricks? Who knows...
M: I wash T-shirts this way...
Z: And how do you enjoy the drying-out period?
M: When you are sitting in open-air cafe drinking beer it's great. Under an umbrella, sipping beer. With the wet T-shirt on.
Z: Wouldnt it be better on a grass in the shade of a tree?
M: Nah! It's a beach, what grass?!
Z: Okay, okay. On sand under the shade of a palm?
M: If they didn't forget to place air-condition there.
Z: Air-conditioned palm preferably...
M: Sun, sky, sea, sand and cafes, nothing else...
Z: How about removing the fifth noun? It spoils the alliteration.
M: Ok. Saloon.
Z: Search for saloons in the Wild West, not in Pattaya! Sun, sky, sea, sand and surf.
M: +snackbars!
Z: Serving solely soda?
M: Strong spirits! Sake...
Z: Simple syrup!
M: Staropramen. Stella...
Z: Softdrinks sweet & sour.
M: What about cocktails?
Z: If you mean shakes... that is milk shakes. Lets just hope they have a good fridge.
M: Milk?! Nah! Only those starting with s! Screwdriver... Side Car... Singapore... Sling Stinger...
Z: Sickening, sappy, stinking stuff. No sale!
M: It's must have for every snackbar!!!
Z: Every, every... But we want something special, dont we?
M: Yes! Like snackbar without snacks for example.
Z: Great idea, indeed. So let me add one more - snackbar with soft-drinks only, health-friendly, children-friendly, pet-friendly, open 24 hours a day, and with vast stores that can never dry out.
M: Plus sake?
Z: Specialty of the house called Sober Sake.
M: Come on! Only strong-spirit sake!
Z: Strong, savoury and yet spirit-free, beautifully decorated with coloured rice.
M: Never!
Z: Okay, forget about the coloured rice.
M: And about "spirit free".
Z: How about "spirit-free drink with a strong spirit"?
M: No pasaran.
Z: So we entered another blind alley. What a surprise...
THE END
There were two idlers searching for Shane
stole secret fund and boarded a plane
gawping at stars
crawling through bars
found dizzy hangover, forgot about Shane.
(navigator)
Two fearless heroes went on mission to Thai
They did their best in spite place was too tight.
One thinks they plucked
Another - attacked
Two fearless heroes were tiding in Thai
(MacRua)
Two quarreling bores went to Thailand
To search for a hero of Ireland
Many troubles they brought,
Many bruises they got
And spent all fund money in Thailand
(WaterRat)
Two pitiless pricks great achievements were slagging
Complaining, moaning, and constantly nagging
That’s how you fare
When kindly you share
Your selfless deeds with scoundrels mean and bragging.
(Zuzana)
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
photos © unknown
